Fat
I have something I need to say to you all. It’s been a long time coming, and I have to go through with it. After all, it has been built up so much I must tell now.
I am FAT.
There, I said it. i am a size 24 pants, 18 dress, and 14-16 top. I have a 38C bra size, and that’s at Wal-Mart, which runs big. I have a BMI of 41. I am fat by any definition you want to lay down. I don’t even care that much if my friends call me fat, although I will feign anger, and it will sting a little bit if I’m having a bad day. But this brings me to my point.
EVEN IF I EXPAND TO BE A FUCKING HIPPO, ONLY MY FRIENDS CAN CALL ME FAT. THAT MEANS YOU, ANYBODY WHO IS READING.
So in gym class last Tuesday this boy called me fat. Well, to put it in context, he said I was too fat to get on the raft our class made. By the way, we were swimming, and my insecurity is always magnified twenty times whenever I’m in a swimsuit. I think this holds true for all women/girls. By the way, this guy used to weigh just as much as me, but lost all the weight bike riding because he is kind of a BAMF in that way. So we are in the same gym class, and I tell him about my bipolar and stuff. We were semi-close in middle school, and I thought he was a nice guy. He calls me fat, and I say “Shut the fuck up.” He giggles a little.
Pissed off, I leave and go tell the four other girls in my 28 person gym class, and we spend the rest of the class talking about his massive bitch tits. I tell a couple of my closest friends, and also my guidance counselor, Mr. Giant Teddy Bear, or GTB.
So about a week and a half has passed, and I am innocently on Facebook when suddenly it says “Bikeriding BAMF is messaging you,” in the form of a blinking box in the corner. I click on it, and, lo and behold, he starts bitching about how everyone is giving him shit for calling me that, and how he said “we,” are fat, not “you.” He then goes on to tell me about how depressed he is, and how this is pushing him over the edge.
This is desperate talk. I’ve been in that position before, and i know there are no words to describe how bad it feels. I’m almost in tears over this. What should I do?
Hamlet Quote of the Day: Not so, my lord, I am too much in the sun.
Several Umbosomings Upon My Return to Blogging
- Hey everybody! Sorry I’ve deserted you all. I’ve been busy the past few weeks with life and have neglected my blog-ly duties. Love has convinced me that I need to continue my old pastime, which makes me wonder- is this really something worth missing?
- By the way, I am finally all levelled off. I haven’t had a mood episode in weeks and I feel completely and utterly NORMAL. I feel like I’ve got alot going for me now.
- Along with this normalcy comes confusion. I’ve developed a bit of a crush on Griffin and I’ve never been more confused in my life. Now that there is no interference between what I think, what I believe, and how I act I’m not sure how to handle it. Part of me thinks we should just remain friends. I shouldn’t rush into anything and upset the delicate balance.
- Speaking of rushing, I have been in physical pain 24/7 ever since P.E. started. I have these horrendous leg cramps and it sucks. They actually went away two days ago, but lo and behold I injure myself something terrible. As in I actually turned to Mr. Paragon-Of-Physical-Fitness, my P.E. instructor, and said “I just fucked up my leg really bad,” in no uncertain terms. I do NOT curse around teachers, even those of the gym-dwelling variety. So now I’m in excruciating pain if I turn to fast or sit down or stand up and AAAAAAGH IT IS TERRIBLE.
- Just so you know, Wheel and I have broken up, one of those reasons being that I’m not attracted to guys. Some other factors that might be involved are the fact that I am crazy, or that I wouldn’t sleep with him, or just that we are growing young teenagers and got bored of each other, and grew apart in the 11 months we were together
- By the way, in case you didn’t catch it, YES, I AM GAY/A LESBIAN. DO NOT BE ALARMED, I COME IN PEACE. And yes, I am still comfortable in my sexuality in spite of the fact that I hold strong religious beliefs. One of those beliefs is that GOD LOVES EVERYONE, and HE WHO HAS NO SIN MAY CAST THE FIRST STONE. JUST SAYING.
- Medicine is the best invention this side of the wheel. I’m taking Wellbutrin and Geodon right now and I feel perfect. I think that taking these two drugs and going to therapy have made me stable enough to be comfortable in my own skin. I think this is one of the building blocks to growing from a girl who called herself bisexual because she really wanted to be straight to being an out and proud lesbian who is not afraid to express my sexual attractions. All you need to do is ask one of my male aquaintences for proof.
- Along with my newly established sense of self is my newly established STRAIGHT A PERFORMANCE. I mean, I’m only taking US History, Creative Writing, Childhood, and Health/P.E. My favourite amongst these is Creative Writing, which I dominate at. My hardcore teacher is like my biggest fan though, so I am quite pleased.
- I’m so happy to be blogging again! I’m glad that I’m doing well enough to sound like a normal person now.
Hamlet Quote of the Day: Let Hercules himself do what he may. The cat will mew, and dog will have his day.
I’m the dog in this scenario. 
Xmaftermath
I babysat myself into a stupour last night but still stayed up until midnight. Typical. There was some friend drama that I got into but it’s alright now. Everything is all better now. But I’m just so happy to be getting back into the swing of things again. Babysitting was one of my Christmas wishes and I got to babysit to my heart’s content. I got TWO WHOLE BOXES of my special Disney tea, got Carmina Burana (Olim lacus colueram is stuck in my head), and I had Love over on Christmas Day to make her amazing apple cake, even though I am baking retarded. I mixed the dough and cracked eggs so as not to be useless. We are going to see Sherlock Holmes tonight, and I’ll have a review up tomorrow.
Life outside of the hospital has been interesting. Wheel and I haven’t had the chance to talk alot, but we are going out sometime this week. I’ve been really anxious about alot of things of this nature, like his birthday present (BTW, Happy Birthday Wheel) and whether or not he will like it, and about my friends, and about all sorts of things. Dr. Palestine at the hospital was talking to me on my last day about wanting to increase the anti-anxiety meds, but I was all like “NOOOO. I’M GETTING OUT TODAY AND NOT ANXIOUS AT ALL” so he didnt. HA. HA. HA…. I am so anxious. Last night marked the return of the catastrophic thinking shit, like I’m gunna die if I fall asleep, or the world is ending, etcetera. But I can handle it. I’m totally not getting overwhelmed or anything. If I was I would say something, trust me.
You totally don’t trust me and I know it. Whatever guys. I’m not going to make the same mistakes all over again, I swear it. I swear on my very life that I will not. Seriously. Any of you I know call me if you think I won’t. I double dog dare you.
Hamlet Quote of the Day: The head is not more native to the heart.
Saturnalia
So I wasn’t okay. Just got out of the Hilarious Hospital 2 days ago after spending a week there, but I’m chilling now and I REALLY realize that I sounded like an ass my last 2 posts. But it’s Christmas, and I freaking love Christmas. It makes me happy. So, what do I want for Christmas?
I want to be able to babysit again (I’m doing it this Saturday)
ITunes cards so I can get Carmina Burana
Semi-normal moods (New Year’s Resolution there)
To be home (this was my hospital wish)
That’s it. Seriously. I know I’m getting a ton more crap, but THESE ARE WHAT I WANT. That’s seriously IT. I’m ecstatic as it is to be home. It’s really great to be alive and making cookies for Santa.
Sorry all you guys I scared. I’m okay STABLE (I’m never using that phrase again)
Merry Christmahannukwanzaasolstisaturnakah!
Hamlet Quote of the Day: There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
I’m Okay
I am so tired. I feel like I could just fall asleep right now as I’m sitting here. This has been the single most exhausting month of my life. And the schoolwork? I don’t know how I’m going to catch up on it.
But you know what? I’m okay.
The moods have been worse lately. The meds haven’t kicked in yet, so they’re just fucking things around a little bit. But my anxiety is gone. And I have people to help me.
And you know what? I’m okay.
I’m capable of so much that I have yet to discover. I feel like the whole world is at my fingertips, teasing me with its wonder and beauty. I want it so bad, but I know that it’ll take work.
But you know what? That’s okay.
I’m just a person at my very best, and a patient at my worst. I fight tooth and nail to make it through the day. My false, last-week confidence has left me. This isn’t gunna be a sprint, and I know it now. It’s gunna be a long walk, longer than I have ever experienced. I’m not going to gloriously triumph over anything. That’s not how this works, or how I can bring myself to work. I’m going to need help.
And you know what? That’s okay. It really is.
But I will stick to one goal from my enthused rant; I will not let this be everything I am. This isn’t going to be all consuming. I’m gunna be AudaciousChild who likes Shakespeare, deep thought, tea, Disney movies, and a good dirty joke first. AudaciousChild with bipolar will come next. But I’m not gunna reject it entirely. That would be like rejecting an arm or leg, for it is something like a tool. I use it to write, and gain a view that some people never experience.
And you know what? That’s fucking fantastic.
Hamlet Quote of the Day: Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.
Lucky
I finally snapped two days after I last posted. I think it was becoming quite clear what sort of mood I was in, but I didn’t do anything until I was seriously so far gone that I had to be sent away to Crazy Camp, as I affectionately call it. But I’m almost done there- I went back to school today for the first time in about 3 weeks. But they have now figured out what’s up with me, even though it took a failed try at Zoloft to get them fully and clearly to the diagnosis:
I apparently have Bipolar II Disorder. Just to put it all out on the table, I did NOT take this news well. I was told when I was right in the middle of a chemically-induced hypomanic state (caused by that Zoloft that I mentioned earlier), so at first I laughed, because I had already been laughing my ass off for about an hour. But then she started talking about med changes, and it finally started to sink in. That was when I started to kick shit and start swearing and harassing the psychiatrist, etcetera. I eventually calmed down, but then my Dad was flipping out, and witholding my meds, and generally making my life at least 50% more hellish than it already was. But yesterday he calmed down, hopefully for good. Now it’s all up to me.
You might be thinking that I’m a little wrong, but I am right in more ways than any of you could ever fucking imagine. Even if my brain chemistry is different, I UTTERLY REFUSE to allow Bipolar to control me. That is just not cool with this Child. When I was in school today, I still had my moods. In fact, I completely and utterly bottomed out in 3rd block and sat on the floor of the handicapped stall in the bathroom for at least 10 minutes. But you know what? I pulled myself off of the ground and got my ass back into class to take my notes. I didn’t tell my friends. I didn’t allow myself to wallow in pity. Because I am DONE being passive. If this is a building obstructing my future, I am ripping it down with my BARE FUCKING HANDS. And you all had better remind me of this if I ever even THINK about giving up, because I am not accepting failure on my part.
You know why? Because I am LUCKY. I can barely put into words how lucky I am. Although bipolar disorder runs in my family, so does schizophrenia. And although I have times when I lose touch with reality, I can refocus myself and bring myself back to the real world. People with schizophrenia are physically unable to do that because they have completely altered perceptions. What they think is real is truly and unmistakeably real in their eyes, no matter what others say. Even when I get truly depressed, to the point where all logic and reason and sugar coating of life peels back, and I am face-to-face with the cold hard monster of disillusionment, I have people who can help me come back when I cannot do it myself. I have so many people, and I can’t believe I ever took them for granted. I will never do it again.And hell, even for bipolar, I got let off pretty light. I could be bipolar I and be psychotic.
But I’m not. I am so fucking lucky. I am alive and well and loved and getting back into the game. And I fucking dare this little “bipolar” to even TRY and stop me.
Hamlet Quote of the Day-
Claudius: How is it that the clouds still hang on you?
Hamlet: Not so my lord; I am too much i’ the sun.
Mein Kampf
I don’t have much to say today
Just that no-one understands
The shit I sort through every day
That makes up my brain’s commands.
I’ll tell you now- I’m angry
I’ll tell you now- I’m upset
And the reading of this poem
Is something you may regret.
So you all know I’m a cutter
Or at least I used to be
But of these motherfucking impluses
I doubt I’ll ever be free.
You see, every day is a struggle
Every day is pretty tough
And all of you who can’t understand:
Basically, I’ve had enough.
Now, don’t get the wrong idea
This ain’t no suicide note
So please, put down the phone
And baby, don’t rock the boat.
Now, this is a hell of a problem
A hell of an addiction, too
A nice tall glass of Captain and Coke:
Alcoholics, I’m looking at you.
You guys seem like you might understand
The act of fighting desire
Of swimming and swimming, holding on for dear life
Then sinking into the mire.
I think I’m going into withdrawal
My moods are going down and then up
My grades are heading down the toilet
Face it, I’m just a fuck-up.
So write love on my arms as much as you want
Write an offensive show a strong letter
But if left alone with Mein Fucking Kampf
I’m never going to get better.
So shut up about the damed emos
And please, don’t make jokes about it
I’m in the act of saving me from myself
SO PLEASE, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT!
It’s not funny, it’s not cute
I’m not even joking
So just be here for me
In case I start choking
And God so help you
If I hear one damed giggle-
I’ll cry and I’ll cry
And it won’t fucking tickle.
PS: I’m sorry, guys, for the emo poem here. Rough week, I guess.
Hamlet Quote of the Day: The rest is silence.
Tranquility
So, I need to tell the lot of you some of the more interesting things that have been happening in my… life? Yeah, I suppose it’s a life.
Griffin was just told by her psychiatrist that she has schizophrenia, which, if you didn’t know, my uncle has… I don’t like this topic anymore.
When I heard, I immediately had one of those really awful thoughts. I just immediately thought “It’s because I was scared that I had it. I decided I didn’t want it and put it on her….” But that’s impossible, right? So I talked to the guidance counselor about it and he said that was called magical thinking. Like the kind that schizophrenics have. And alot of my thoughts can be explained like that, he says. But he’sa really nice guy, the nicest guidance counselor I’ve ever had, so I guess everything is okay.
I went to see The Therapist on Thursday. She doesn’t think it’s magical thinking, but cognitive distortion, which is totally the same thing sounds similar to magical thinking. We had a big talk, she gave me a list of different cognitive distortions, and it was all fine and dandy until I talked with the receptionist about rescheduling my psychiatry appointment. Shewas all like “you have a $100 fee for cancelling late” and I was all “THAT IS SO NOT POSSIBLE. SHE CALLED ME TO CANCEL.” So she showed me the papers, and my mom cancelled the appointment without telling me.
So I basically almost China Syndrome’d. I was almost in tears, and she said “Is something wrong?” and I said “Yeah… *sniffle* my mom is just a fucking liar.” She then asked, looking seriously apprehensive and put off, “Was this a medication appointment?”
“Yes,” I answered bitterly, “We were supposed to talk about prescribing meds.” I then stalked out, called my mom, accused her of lying and trying to deny me the oppurtunity get help, when she interrupted me saying “YES, I CANCELLED, YOU HAD SWINE FLU, REMEMBER?!”
“OH.”
So, while waiting for her to pick me up, I looked at my cognitive distortions sheet and saw JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS written in giant letters. The bitch may be right after all.
Did I mention that my current English project is to write daily journals about how I am keeping tranquil because tranquility is the virtue I chose from Ben Franklin’s list in Poor Richard’s Almanac?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Hamlet Quote of the Day: O most pernicious woman!
O, villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!
My tables, — meet it is I set it down,
That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain.
Soapbox
To the maybe 5 people who regularly read this blog, I have an important public service announcement.
ANY ASSHOLE WHO HAS EVER EVEN THOUGHT OF HURTING A CHILD, WHETHER THEY ARE DRUNK OR NOT, IS A MONSTER. ALCOHOL JUST LOWERS YOUR INHIBITIONS, IT DOES NOT IMPLANT THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD. PEOPLE WHO ABUSE CHILDREN ARE CREATURES WHO NEED TO BE PUT AWAY FOREVER.
This is really important, PLEASE don’t take it lightly.
Hamlet Quote of the Day: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell!
I took thee for thy better.
Lists, Lists, Lists
List of Crazy People in My Life
- Griffin
- Love (she’s lovesick at the moment)
- Pixie
- Mom
- Blarbinator
- Me
- Me
- Me
Lists of Careers I May Pursue in the Future (No Math Beyond Statistics, Trust Me)
- Special Education Teacher
- Psychiatrist
- Social Worker
- Criminal Behaviour Specialist
- College Professor
- Freelance Writer
- Professional Photographer
Symptoms of Swine Flu, Which I Had This Week
- Fever
- Cough
- Sneezing
- Stomachache
- Headache
- Fatigue
Subjects I Have In School That I Have Work For
- Spanish
- English
- Science
- Math
Things My Dad Now Knows About
- That his new bank won’tallow him to withdraw his paycheck for two days after deposit
- That I don’t always make shit up about being sick. My immune system is not magic.
- That I CAN in fact succeed in highschool without his bullshit
- That I am in therapy
Things I Have Said About My Dad
- He is just a person (hissed at self with clenched teeth)
- He is an asshole alot (to the school psychologist)
- He is probably mentally ill (to Love)
- That our relationship is nonexistant, and it is fucking BETTER OFF THAT WAY (everyone but him)
Things I Worry About
- Everything… please help.
Hamlet Quote of the Day: Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of me. You would play upon me; you would seem to know my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass; and there is much music, excellent voice, in this little organ, yet cannot you make it speak. ‘Sblood, do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me
That’s my very favourite quote.
